Not so in control
Today has been a very "blah" kind of day. Had a couple of vague thoughts about why that might be the case (sleeping in, unproductive, long class), but nothing especially concrete. For some reason, after effectively staring at my computer for a few minutes (read: hours), I finally decided I had to something, whatever that something was. Well, I decided to spend some time with God. The worship was nice, but then I started praying. Or, more to the point, getting in an attitude of reflection and prayer and letting my mind follow however God seemed to be leading. At some point in the near future I need to determine His will on whether I'll lead another small group next year, but that really wasn't where God was going. He took me to the "blah" feeling, and why that is.
Jen mentioned this to me before, but it really resonated tonight. I'm very lonely. I never really had friends--true friends, in the real sense of that term--until I came to Taylor. I do not have that Christian community here in Bloomington. I do not have friends I see multiple times a week who know me well enough to tell when something's weird, when I'm in a funk, when I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me to get focused on my work. Or on God. Or to quit mucking around and ask a on a date. Or anything like. A lot of this is my fault, as I have not developed really in depth relationships with people at ECC (some of that is my trips to Muncie this year, and some is just my general personality). Part of it is just growing up and living out on your own--you can't live in college forever.
I almost got the feeling tonight from God that it not be completely my fault. Maybe I am to create that community here. Maybe I'm to learn something from this time "alone"--either in preparation for some body or some thing coming in my life. Maybe He's molding me into what He wants me to be, and this is one way He's doing it. I didn't get a complete answer to any of those questions tonight when I was praying, but I did get the gentle encouragement that God is in control. He is sovereign, and I need to trust Him. It won't magically cause deep, loyal friends to appear. It won't necessarily get me out of a funk after an especially unproductive day. But there is a comfort knowing that He still cares, is taking care of me, and still has some amazing things in store for me.
Bring it on, God, make me more and more into Yours.
Jen mentioned this to me before, but it really resonated tonight. I'm very lonely. I never really had friends--true friends, in the real sense of that term--until I came to Taylor. I do not have that Christian community here in Bloomington. I do not have friends I see multiple times a week who know me well enough to tell when something's weird, when I'm in a funk, when I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me to get focused on my work. Or on God. Or to quit mucking around and ask a on a date. Or anything like. A lot of this is my fault, as I have not developed really in depth relationships with people at ECC (some of that is my trips to Muncie this year, and some is just my general personality). Part of it is just growing up and living out on your own--you can't live in college forever.
I almost got the feeling tonight from God that it not be completely my fault. Maybe I am to create that community here. Maybe I'm to learn something from this time "alone"--either in preparation for some body or some thing coming in my life. Maybe He's molding me into what He wants me to be, and this is one way He's doing it. I didn't get a complete answer to any of those questions tonight when I was praying, but I did get the gentle encouragement that God is in control. He is sovereign, and I need to trust Him. It won't magically cause deep, loyal friends to appear. It won't necessarily get me out of a funk after an especially unproductive day. But there is a comfort knowing that He still cares, is taking care of me, and still has some amazing things in store for me.
Bring it on, God, make me more and more into Yours.
posted by spocktongue at 11:05 PM
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