Why do I do this when I'm sleepy?
Today the Cubs won, I hit a 270-yard drive, and all I can think about it the mess inside my head right now. God spoke to me a lot at small group tonight, and then some more through my good buddy who was leading it and who also seems to be going through a lot of the same stuff. I need to try to sort some of it out before I go to bed, so lucky you...
I want to be a man. A real, true man. A God-fearing man. How does one become such a person? I don't really think it's by anything we do, and yet it's completely determined by what we do. Getting married doesn't make me a man. Abstaining from pre-marital sex doesn't make me a man. Having an awesome youth ministry doesn't make me a man. Leading a home church doesn't make me a man. Impacting tons of people (whatever "tons" means) doesn't make me a man. It's something more intrinsic, more basic. Something about the relationship with God. Something about what God is doing in you. Something about what you are willing to do when asked by God.
(lack of segue here) I love Thomas. He's my favorite disciple. I think I can relate to him on a lot of levels. Without delving into a sermon, I'll focus on one incident that I love and God brought back to me tonight. Thomas said, "Unless I see the scars, I won't believe." Jesus showed him the scars. And Thomas responded with: My LORD and my God. How freaking great a response is that!?! He didn't shrug it off, try to save face, go sulk in the back because he was embarrassed, or even shot out a "Praise God!" I think his response was even better than that. I feel like I'm in the "Praise God!" stage right now, which is a good stage, but there's something more. It's too passive, while Thomas' response feels much more proactive/assertive. I want that assertiveness. Being bold, being assertive, even with respect to God, doesn't make me a man. But, a man of God is both of those things.
(ditto the segue thing) I don't like "religion." It seems fake. It is fake. Religion, to me, is a lot of rules and regulations, expectations and being fake/putting on a good face. (editors note: before anyone starts arguing this point with me, make sure you understand what I mean by religion, if it's not clear from what I'm saying so far) I tend to rebel against those kinds of expectations somewhat (some may argue not enough). At least, I feel like I do. But, I can do the same thing to myself. I can put expectations on what it takes me for me to a "good" Christian, to have an appropriate "quiet time," to be a "man of God." In doing so, I'm just creating for myself the same thing that frustrates me.
(segue, take three) I have so much ministry potential right now, so many places where I can impact people. I have so many unanswered questions on my life, ranging from churches (where, how, with whom) to women (who, when) to school. Somehow I need to wade through all the crap, all my expectations for myself, for God, and get rid of it all. Clear it all away and say, "God, it's up to you. I can't do this. You need to give me the direction, and you need to give me the faith to follow that direction, and you need to give me the strength/wisdom/courage/power/etc. to succeed." And somehow, in all of that, I think there's some real masculinity.
(segue four) I'm going to bed.
I want to be a man. A real, true man. A God-fearing man. How does one become such a person? I don't really think it's by anything we do, and yet it's completely determined by what we do. Getting married doesn't make me a man. Abstaining from pre-marital sex doesn't make me a man. Having an awesome youth ministry doesn't make me a man. Leading a home church doesn't make me a man. Impacting tons of people (whatever "tons" means) doesn't make me a man. It's something more intrinsic, more basic. Something about the relationship with God. Something about what God is doing in you. Something about what you are willing to do when asked by God.
(lack of segue here) I love Thomas. He's my favorite disciple. I think I can relate to him on a lot of levels. Without delving into a sermon, I'll focus on one incident that I love and God brought back to me tonight. Thomas said, "Unless I see the scars, I won't believe." Jesus showed him the scars. And Thomas responded with: My LORD and my God. How freaking great a response is that!?! He didn't shrug it off, try to save face, go sulk in the back because he was embarrassed, or even shot out a "Praise God!" I think his response was even better than that. I feel like I'm in the "Praise God!" stage right now, which is a good stage, but there's something more. It's too passive, while Thomas' response feels much more proactive/assertive. I want that assertiveness. Being bold, being assertive, even with respect to God, doesn't make me a man. But, a man of God is both of those things.
(ditto the segue thing) I don't like "religion." It seems fake. It is fake. Religion, to me, is a lot of rules and regulations, expectations and being fake/putting on a good face. (editors note: before anyone starts arguing this point with me, make sure you understand what I mean by religion, if it's not clear from what I'm saying so far) I tend to rebel against those kinds of expectations somewhat (some may argue not enough). At least, I feel like I do. But, I can do the same thing to myself. I can put expectations on what it takes me for me to a "good" Christian, to have an appropriate "quiet time," to be a "man of God." In doing so, I'm just creating for myself the same thing that frustrates me.
(segue, take three) I have so much ministry potential right now, so many places where I can impact people. I have so many unanswered questions on my life, ranging from churches (where, how, with whom) to women (who, when) to school. Somehow I need to wade through all the crap, all my expectations for myself, for God, and get rid of it all. Clear it all away and say, "God, it's up to you. I can't do this. You need to give me the direction, and you need to give me the faith to follow that direction, and you need to give me the strength/wisdom/courage/power/etc. to succeed." And somehow, in all of that, I think there's some real masculinity.
(segue four) I'm going to bed.
posted by spocktongue at 11:48 PM
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